


Studio Time

by scifishipper



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM not in main pairing, Bottom!Zach, Established Relationship, M/M, Oral Sex, Pornography, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 15:27:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2626730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifishipper/pseuds/scifishipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From their first scene together, porn stars Zachary Quinto and Chris Pine knew their connection was unusual. Now, after five months together, Chris is acting weird and Zach can't figure out why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Studio Time

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this anonymous prompt: _Chris and Zach are porn stars who are surprised by their intense connection during their first scene together. The sex is shockingly good and they have a ton of fun, but both are wary of entering into a relationship. It happens anyway and they fall in love. It turns out to be harder than they expect._
> 
> Thanks to my lovely beta, kdbleu, for the support. Thanks to rabidchild67 for reading through and some great suggestions. Finally, thank you to the lushes at The Pinto Bar for the sprints and encouragement. All hail the kinkmeme.
> 
> This can’t be published without a grateful nod to the amazing and sexy actual pornstars Colby Keller and Dale Cooper. (My porn OTP.) Yum.

Zach had been with more men than he could count and they’d all had something: a bigger dick, a longer tongue, the ability to flex like a pretzel, but Chris had the whole package. Not only was he sexy, gorgeous, and could fuck for days, but he was also wickedly smart, funny, and for some unbelievable reason, unsullied by the industry. His famous saying was, “I get to fuck for a living, what could be better.” Zach had thought it was bullshit the first time he said it. Some kind of deflection or diversion from some underlying pain about whatever dick up his ass problem he was having. Turned out, it wasn’t true at all. Chris was…well, he was complicated in an obvious, what you see is what you get kind of way. Zach, on the other hand, was always trying to figure out the hidden meaning, wiggle his way into Chris’s underlying angst or insecurity, and he never really found any. 

Until the day he did.

**One Week Earlier, Sunday**

Their vacation had just ended and the two of them had dragged their jet-lagged asses in from a week in Prague and a week in Berlin. Along the way, they’d visited a couple of sex clubs and got to play in a way they usually didn’t. Zach’s reputation as a sadistic dom was exaggerated on film and he was thrilled for Chris to top the fuck out of him. Literally. He still had a pleasant twinge of pain in his ass, not helped, of course, by the eight and a half hour flight back to New York. The three glasses of cheap wine he’d drunk just made him feel dehydrated and gross.  
They were both strung out and not talking too much about their return to the real world. The flight was long and bumpy and Chris had dark circles under his eyes. He resolutely never drank, so his nerves about flying got the better of him and he spent the flight fidgeting and trying uselessly to sleep.

“You okay?” Zach asked for the tenth time as they rolled their bags into the elevator of Zach’s West Village apartment building. The doorman nodded politely and pulled the door and gate closed. 

“Tired,” Chris said, staring at the numbered lights above the doorman’s head. 

“We’ll have some to recover. Get ourselves back on New York time before we go back to the studio,” Zach said. They were both filming that week but it had been important to take time for themselves. After five months together, this had been their first real trip away.

Chris heaved a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, but maybe I should’ve gone home, though.” Chris gave him a baleful stare, then slouched against the dark paneling of the elevator. Chris’s place was in Hoboken, but Zach had convinced him to stay in the city with him, just for another night. Truth was, he couldn’t bear to let Chris out of his sight. He’d been so goddamned happy on the trip and the idea they’d be apart…well, it fucked with his head in a way he wasn’t ready to examine too closely. So, he didn’t answer, just stared at the side of Chris’s head until they reached the seventh floor.

The elevator shuddered to a halt and Zach thanked the doorman before they stepped out into the double foyer and Zach unlocked the door. Chris nudged himself in first and let his unbalanced suitcase and bag tip onto the floor with a thud. Zach bent to pick them up.

“Forget it. I don’t care. I don’t need anything except a bed. Now.” Chris turned his back and strode across the hardwood and disappeared into the bathroom. He was prickly as fuck, but Zach chalked it up to jetlag. The boy looked miserable.

Zach picked up Chris’s two bags anyway and dragged all of them at once into his bedroom. He let them fall against the closet door, threw his jacket on top of them and kicked off his shoes. He’d managed to sleep on the flight, but goddamn, he was feeling the exhaustion creeping up on him now, too. He’d been holding out for Chris, being the one who got them home when Chris was an anxious, and then later, exhausted mess. Now, Zach was ready to collapse. 

The bathroom door opened and Chris stepped out, face scrubbed clean, wearing nothing but tight black briefs. He whipped back the covers and let himself fall noisily into the sheets. “Fucking hell. This bed is the best thing ever.” He lay with his arms outstretched, legs in a wide V. He was effortlessly gorgeous as always.

Zach took off his own shirt and jeans and socks, feeling the weight of his tiredness bearing down on him. “You know, we probably should try to stay up. It’s only three in the afternoon. We’re going to be screwed otherwise.” He’d read up on jet lag, knew they weren’t supposed to sleep yet. “Couple more hours and we’ll be good.”

“Fuck that. I’ve been up for…what…thirty hours. Fuck it. I am dead.” Chris grumbled and rolled onto his side, tucking his arm under the pillow.

“Chris…” Zach said, taking a few steps toward the bathroom. 

“Leave me alone,” he mumbled into the pillow.

Zach felt sorry for him and relented. “Ninety minutes. That’s it.”

“Fuck off,” was the answer he got and Zach huffed. 

“Whatever, dude. I’ll wake you up in ninety minutes.”

Chris flipped him the bird and Zach ignored it. For all of his easygoing qualities, Chris was a bitch when he was tired.

~*~

Zach shook Chris hard by the shoulder. “Chris, come on. Get up.”

With a deep groan, Chris pulled the covers tighter against his chin. 

Zach bounced a few times on the bed and yanked the covers. “C’mon. I made coffee. Got blueberry bagels.” 

Chris inhaled and growled at Zach. “So help me, you touch me again and I’m going to punch you in the face.”

“Dude. Come on. I’m saving your ass here.” Zach said, whining more than he liked.

“Mmghh.” Chris groaned and his breathing slipped back into sleep. Fuck.

Zach stared at Chris’s face, the fullness of his slack lips. He had no desire to sit around his apartment while Chris slept. He should’ve taken the Benadryl before the flight like he’d offered and maybe he wouldn’t be so wrecked. So fucking stubborn. 

“Fine. We’ll do it another way.” Zach slipped off the bed and skirted around to the other side to climb under the comforter. He kicked off his underwear and tucked himself against Chris’s ass. He stroked his lover’s thigh and back and abdomen, touching the fine hairs of his chest to rub around his nipples. Chris’s breathing didn’t change. Zach moved his hand lower, dipping under his briefs to grazed Chris’s soft dick and then gently cupping his balls. He rolled them lightly, smiling when Chris’s breathing changed. Chris turned and spread his legs wider. 

Zach pressed himself against Chris, touching where he could, reveling in the heat coming off him. He mouthed kisses along Chris’s shoulder and the side of his neck while his hand continued to explore his balls and his still slowly growing erection. Zach thrust lightly against Chris’s ass, feeling a flicker of arousal starting to brighten. Even after nearly a decade in the business, Zach could easily say that Chris was the best sex he’d ever had. They just fit, everything about them flowed together in a way that Zach hadn’t thought possible. Chris counteracted his seriousness and Zach kept Chris grounded. Sex with Chris made it matter again, made it something more than a nice paycheck and a following on social media. And even though he hadn’t said it, he knew he loved him. 

Nudging Chris’s briefs down, Zach gripped him more firmly, stroking Chris from base to tip and swirling his thumb around the slit. Zach worked his dick until Chris groaned, body shifting to indicate that he was waking up.

“You motherfucker,” Chris said, but there was no power behind it, and when Chris put his hand over Zach’s and squeezed, Zach grinned and bit his shoulder.

Chris held Zach’s hand with his own, stroking together before he let go and reached between them to grab Zach’s dick. Zach as hard now, aching with tiredness and arousal, wanting to come so he could sleep, but remembering his mission to keep them awake.

Zach moved out of Chris’s hold and nudged the man’s hips over to lie him flat on his back. Zach yanked off Chris’s underwear and let his tongue trace the curves of Chris’s arm and chest along the bumps of his ribcage and hipbone to lick a wide patch from balls to tip. 

“Fuuuck,” Chris groaned, sliding his hand into Zach’s hair. Zach took him into his mouth and swirled his tongue around as he twisted with his hand. He knew exactly how Chris liked it. 

Chris moaned when Zack took him all the way down, rubbing his nose into his hair and humming around him. Zach’s dick jumped and he gave himself a squeeze. He sucked Chris’s cock for a while until he looked up to find two blazing blue eyes staring down at him, lust-filled and wanting. He let his mouth come off with a pop and climbed up Chris’s chest, blunt fingernails scraping along Chris’s thighs. “Awake now, baby?” 

“You suck,” Chris said, licking his lips.

“Oh, and don’t you love it,” Zach teased and captured Chris’s mouth for a kiss. They were all tongue and hands pulling and grabbing at each other. Whatever sleepiness Zach felt a moment ago, faded when Chris found his asshole with a wet finger. 

“Fuck. I want you inside me,” Zach groaned, biting along Chris’s jaw. 

Chris nudged his finger deeper inside Zach’s ass and turned his head kiss him again. Zach wiggled, seeking more and Chris pushed another in, curling his fingers around, just brushing Zach’s prostate. With a groan, Zach pulled on Chris’s dick, stroking while they kissed. 

“Come on, ride me,” Chris said into Zach’s mouth and pushed a third finger inside. Zach didn’t need much prep and welcomed the slight burn as his hole expanded. He rubbed their dicks together and reached into the nightstand drawer to pull out a condom and lube. 

Zach slid the condom onto Chris’s dick, then slicked it up. He glanced at the clock, willing it to be later than the four forty-five it really was. Another couple of hours and they could sleep. Zach took a breath and willed himself to slow down. 

Zach stroked Chris through the condom and then slid his hand down to press a finger into Chris’s hole, making his lover gasp. He pushed another finger in right away and watched Chris’s eyes roll back into his head. Zach smiled, watching Chris spread his legs, taking more and twisting the sheets in his fingers. “Deeper,” he said.

Zach pushed in and out of Chris’s ass. “You want the plug?” Zach asked, and grinned when Chris nodded enthusiastically. Zach reached into the drawer again and pulled out the silver one he liked so much. 

“Spread open, baby,” Zach said and Chris repositioned himself to show Zach his beautiful puckered hole. Zach pressed it inside and watched Chris shiver with pleasure. “Good?”

“God, yeah…” Chris sighed, shifting around to jam the plug in deeper with the pressure of his weight. His eyes were glazed with arousal and he reached for Zach. 

Zach climbed onto Chris, knees on either side of his hips, and stroked him a few times. Leaning forward on his knees, Zach positioned Chris’s dick at his hole. He pushed back and down, eyes closing at the hot pressure of Chris filling him. With a blissful burn-pressure, tucked himself down against Chris’s chest as much as he could, feeling an overwhelming need to be close, to be skin to skin, face to face, kissing and touching while he slowly moved. There was a bittersweetness inside his chest, the need to extend their amazing trip, to keep the closeness before the world came crashing back in. 

Chris looped his arms around Zach, gripping his shoulders and ravishing his mouth with his tongue. “Fuck, Zach. Fuck,” Chris breathed and jolted his hips up to ram into Zach’s ass. All thought fled and Zach rode him harder, listening to Chris’s moans on every thrust, trying to keep them skin to skin because he couldn’t bear it any other way. 

“God, Chris,” Zach said, as his dick rubbed between their bodies, balls tightening as orgasm gathered deep inside him. He was dizzy with sensation, the tangle of limbs and breath and desire making him feel like he was flying. Chris’s hand wedged between them, pumping Zach with the rhythm of his thrusts until Zach was overwhelmed with sensation, ready to leap. 

Zach lifted his head, pressing his face against rough stubble of Chris’s jaw. “Fuck, Chris. Fuck. God, I love you so much,” he cried, fingers digging into Chris’s skin. The words tumbled out of Zach’s mouth as his orgasm struck, barely cognizant of anything except the white hot explosion inside him. Chris’s hips were wild, jamming up and deep inside Zach until he came with a long, strangled groan. They were both breathless and sweating and Zach felt his limbs growing heavy and listless. Vaguely, he remembered he was supposed to stay awake, lure Chris into the shower, try to keep them up for a few more hours. 

But Zach couldn’t even keep his eyelids up let alone the rest of him. When Chris nudged him over to slide out, Zach winced and rolled to the side, curling his knees against his chest. When he reached out to grab Chris’s hand, Chris pulled away and Zach’s flopped heavily against the sheets. A few moments later he felt a warm cloth on his stomach and against his ass. He smiled and tried to speak, but groaned instead. A shiver skittered across his skin and grabbed for the blankets, only to feel Chris climb in next to him and pull the comforter up. His body was warm and inviting and Zach wrapped himself around him and slept. 

**Wednesday**

Sooner than he liked, Zach was back at work, doing a scene with one of his favorite subs, Marco. The man was spread wide, pinned helplessly to a rack with his legs pulled back with more straps, revealing a red, abused hole that Zach had just fucked with dildo. Marco’s dick lay on his abdomen, red, leaking pre-cum while Zach stood over him, his own dick hard in his hand. Carelessly, he gave it a few strokes and slid the black riding crop along the crack of the man’s spread ass. He stayed to the side, mindful of the camera angles and watched as Marco shivered. Damn, that was going to be hot on film. 

Zach took the blunt end of the crop and hit Marco on the fleshy part of his ass. The man yelped and Zach struck him again on the other side. His body jolted and Zach ran a gloved hand over the abused flesh and squeezed. Marco, vocal and popular, grunted and moaned at the same time. Holding his arm raised high into the air, Zach flipped the crop and came down in five swift stokes, tweaking Marco’s thighs and ass and coming very close to his hole. Just close enough to make his fans squirm. That, more than the hole in front of him, made Zach’s dick come alive. He loved being watched.

Marco whimpered and Zach praised him, sliding the crop lovingly along his ass and dick and up his chest to stroke his face. Sensing the camera’s follow, he slid off a glove and swiped a thumb over Marco’s open mouth before he praised him again.

Their routine lasted for another twenty minutes until Zach unloaded on the guy’s red and abused ass cheek and they wrapped. 

“Fuck, I need a shower,” Zach said, peeling off the black leather toolbelt he’d worn for the shoot. It was damn heavy and left red gouge marks in his skin. He rubbed at them and took a long drink from his water bottle.

He watched as one of the assistants tended to Marco, rubbing him down with a warm cloth and giving him orange juice. He’d never subbed, but part of owning his own studio was so he could make sure the guys who did were okay at the end. No sense fucking someone into oblivion only to wreck them for the rest of the week. They all worked hard and got paid well. 

“Nice work, Marco. This one’s gonna be a hit.” Zach said, pausing on his way to the shower. Marco gave a grateful grin as he sat up and Cammy wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. Zach patted him on the head and gave him an affectionate squeeze. “I’ll see you later.”

Zach let his mind drift as he washed away the lube and sweat and rubbed at the red marks on his waist. It was almost four thirty and he could go for a glass of wine and a lazy night on the sofa with Chris. 

He toweled off and stepped into his office and dressing room. A bruise had begun to appear where the belt dug into his skin so he opted for loose jeans and a cardigan over a striped t-shirt. He checked his watch and imagined that Chris would be wrapping soon, too. Zach had seen him briefly this morning and only through the cracked door of his set. Chris had been moving the lighting and angling the furniture to capture morning light. This was Chris’s second project as both director and star, and it would be an understatement to say he was obsessed, fawning over every detail until it was perfect. He had great instincts and Zach had been thrilled when Chris wanted to invest in the studio and become a partner shortly after they got together. 

Now, with his own shoot complete and in the hands of their editor, Mike, Zach left his office and strode down the hall in search of Chris. He glanced up at the light outside the set door, surprised to find it still lit red and he paused, turning around and pulled out his phone. He texted Chris, _I’m done. Let me know when you wrap,_ then jammed the phone back into his pocket.

An hour later, Zach had returned a slew of phone calls and went back down the hall to check on Chris’s shoot. The light was off and he exhaled, suppressing a grin. He missed the stupid jerk and he was happy they’d get to connect after the last two days apart. Gingerly, he pushed the half-open door in and glanced around. The set was being broken down and Chris was in a black robe looking into the monitor to check the footage. Zach strode in and touched his back.

“Hey, how’d it go?” he asked, glancing past him to take a look.

“Good. Check this out.” Chris moved to the side to give Zach a better view. Chris’s partner for the scene, a young stud named Kyle, was red-faced and sweating as he fucked Chris. The camera angle caught the fine spray of spittle flying out of his mouth as he pounded into him especially hard. Chris, of course, was perfect with his muscular legs spread wide and mouth open and stroking his own cock.

“Oh, nice. Is he the one from Zephyr Studios?” Zach asked, watching Chris blow his load onto his own stomach. “That’s hot. Yeah. Nice work.” 

“Yeah. Kevin Connery recommended him. He’s new and pretty raw and I think the fans are going to really love him. He doesn’t have a contract yet, so you should take a look and see what you think.” 

“Will do. Have Jess set it up in the morning. I’m gonna head out soon.” Zach glanced at Chris, who had his eye on the monitor for a few seconds more until Zach touched him again lightly. As a rule, neither were very affectionate after a long day of sex with strangers, but Zach had missed him.

“You going to be finished soon?” Zach let a hopeful tone drift into his voice and brushed the soft plush of Chris’s robe. 

“Um, yeah. I think so. I’ve got a few things to take care of…phone calls, you know.” Chris avoided Zach’s gaze and tightened his robe around his waist. “I’m gonna grab a shower. I’m gross.” 

“So, an hour? Dinner in or at Allesandro’s?” Zach sucked his cheek and tilted his head at Chris in invitation. Even with the amazing European food, Zach missed _their_ place.

Chris’s face wrinkled and he licked his lips. “Yeah, I actually have something I need to do after. Can I text you? Let you know?” 

Zach felt a sudden shift in the air and his breath caught in his chest. He gaped for a moment, then shrugged it off. “Um, sure. No problem. I’m gonna head home then. Talk to you later.” He pulled his jacket closed and zipped it. 

“Okay,” Chris said and spun around, leaving Zach staring after him, wondering what in the hell had just happened.

~*~

Rush hour traffic clogged the streets and Zach knew the subway would be jammed with people, so he decided to walk for a while. The late afternoon air was crisp but not too cool as he headed down Tenth Avenue. He’d gotten as far as Eighteenth Street when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out, expecting Chris.

“Hey, mom,” he said, after stabbing the answer button. “How are you?” Zach paused at a light and listened to his mother’s questions about their trip to Europe.

“It was great. He’s good. Still at work. What are you up to?” Zach answered, not feeling particularly like talking about the trip. 

“Doing laundry, cleaning up the house. Jeremy told me they’re going to be repaving our street starting tomorrow. I’m straightening up the front. I hope it doesn’t take long.” His mother’s sing song voice soothed him, as always.

“Ma, you don’t need to clean up the front of the house for the guys paving the street,” Zach said, laughing. 

“Well, I want to be proud of my house. You should see the mess they’ve made on Amelia Street. Nancy told me that they cracked her sidewalk with a backhoe. Can you believe that? The city’s going to pay for it, but still! I’ll be watching!” His mother’s voice was protective and defiant, as she always was, especially since his dad died and she’d had to support them on her own.

“All right, ma. Let me know if you need me to come down there and set them straight.” Zach liked to tease her and she laughed.

“You just stay safe, Zach. Is Chris coming down with you for Little Italy Days?” his mother asked, excited as she always was for the yearly festival.

“I don’t know. I’ll ask him, though. How’s the planning coming?” Zach was making good time on foot and made a last-minute decision to bypass the subway entrance that would drop him at Christopher Street.

His mother talked about her efforts on the planning committee and Zach listened, enjoying her excited chatter and the cooler September air. 

By the time he arrived at his building, his mother was finally winding down. He said, “Well, I’m home now. It sounds like you’ve got them all in line. I’ll talk to Chris about coming with me in a few weeks.” Zach nodded to the doorman and walked towards the elevator, waiting while the man opened the doors. “Yeah, love you, too, ma. Talk to you soon.”

Zach made an amused face at the doorman who smiled politely and slid the doors closed. He ended the call and stepped out when they arrived on the seventh floor, feeling slightly sticky from sweating, but buzzing a little from the enthusiasm in his mother’s voice. He still felt a little guilty, to be honest, that he’d been lying to her about what he _actually_ did for a living, but he was pretty sure she would just worry more. She’d always accepted that he was gay, even claims she knew it before he did, but porn…well, that was a whole other realm.

Checking his phone, he looked for a text from Chris, feeling disappointed to find none. With a frown, he tossed his phone onto the table and he sorted through his mail and bills. When his stomach growled more than an hour later, he texted Chris and stared at his phone for a long minute. With no immediate response, he decided that food was more vital than being polite, and went to the kitchen to make dinner.

**Thursday**

Zach woke the next morning early, just at dawn, and immediately checked his phone. He’d crashed well before ten with a stomach full of pasta with marinara and anchovies, and frankly welcomed sleep more than the uneasy feeling he’d been carrying since the afternoon. 

His phone popped to life, showing his background picture, on of he and Chris making stupid faces on the plane during their first leg of the trip to Prague. Zach had thought it would be fun to distract Chris with ridiculousness, trying to make him laugh by playing out his dominant porn personality on the plane. It had worked and the photo was proof. Chris’s eyes were bright with amusement and his tongue, unsurprisingly, was out and sharp as they mugged for the camera. Without realizing it, he let out a relieved breath when he saw the message indicator light.

 _11:22pm: Hey. Sorry about tonight. Got caught up - didn’t notice the time. Heading home. cu tom._ Zach read the message and frowned. Caught up in what? 

He texted back, knowing Chris wouldn’t have his sound up but would see it when he woke. _It’s cool. Stuffed myself with penne and crashed. I’ll see you later._ His thumbs hovered over the keypad and he thought but adding that he missed him. At the last second, though, he just hit send. 

Groaning, he threw off the blankets, made the bed and got ready for his day at the studio.

Two hours later, Zach arrived with a bag of muffins and a half-finished caffe mocha. “Hey, Mike. Chris in yet?” Zach asked, thinking probably not, but unable to stop himself from asking.

“This early? Nah,” Mike said, chuckling, and swiping a hand across his bald head. “He did say you wanted to see yesterday’s scene. I’m checking it now. Give me ten?” 

“Actually, give me an hour. I’ve got some stuff to do first.” He wiggled the paper bag. “I got muffins. Want one?” Zach set the bag on the table and pulled out the corn muffin for himself. He took the blueberry muffin and wrapped it in a napkin for Chris and went to work. 

Overnight, he’d gotten two voice mails and a dozen emails about possible locations for the series he and Chris were putting together for next summer. They’d had such a great time in Berlin, that they tentatively made plans to make a couple’s tour of the city, checking out sex clubs and the BDSM culture together. Zach had sent a few inquiries to the domme of his favorite club who’d responded with a list of possible locations. She was pretty excited once she’d looked up Zach’s oeuvre. He smiled at the thought and spent the next hour eating and checking out websites and photos and answering emails. 

Around ten, Zach finally heard Chris’s voice and broke into a smile. He heard him coming down the hall and finished up an email just as he arrived at his door.

“Hey. How’s it going?” Chris asked, framed in the doorway. He was dressed casually in jeans and a blue plaid shirt, open at the collar, revealing a white v-neck t-shirt underneath. His hair was hidden by his gray pageboy cap. If he wasn’t so gorgeous, Zach would have laughed. He hated that hat. 

“Good. What’s up?” Zach said, and pushed his chair back to stand. “I got you a muffin.” He held up the napkin-wrapped item and gave him a small smile. He didn’t know why it felt like a peace offering, but oddly it did.

“Oh, hey, thanks. I grabbed a bite already. Save it for me?” Chris gave him that weird smile like yesterday and tapped the doorjamb with his palm. “You watch the scene yet?” Chris asked.

“No. Just about to.” Zach rounded the desk and approached Chris, an odd feeling in his chest. “Everything okay?” He asked, prepared for anything but trying to stay positive. 

“Yeah. Sure. Sorry about last night.” Chris shrugged. “Time got away from me.” His smile was sheepish and Zach smiled. 

“It’s fine. Just miss you, you know?” Zach moved up close to him, resting a hand on Chris’s waist as he leaned in for a kiss. 

Chris didn’t answer, just kissed him quickly on the lips and stepped back. “I have a phone call, like now,” Chris said, glancing at his watch. “Let me know what you think of the scene.” He spun away again, leaving Zach too surprised to stop him. Now he knew something was totally and definitely wrong and he had no fucking clue what it was. 

Determined, he took off down the hall after Chris, stopping at his closed door only to hear his voice greeting someone and then his bright laughter. Fuck.

Zach stood for a long second, wanting to eavesdrop but thinking that made him a creep. So, he turned instead and headed back to his office to get his phone. He texted Chris, _Everything okay with you? You’re acting weird._ Zach couldn’t stand not to just ask him. He felt like an oversensitive asshat, but whatever. He waited a second and his phone vibrated.

 _Fine. On a call._ Chris texted back. 

Yeah. No shit.

~*~

Zach was not in a mood to be kind when he watched the video with Chris and Kyle. The lighting was too bright for the first three minutes and Kyle was not quite as experienced as they usually produced. Chris was great, of course, and took the lead at the beginning until Kyle started to get into it. Chris was appealing because he could top or bottom with equal skill, but he seemed to be most popular when he was coming apart getting fucked in the ass. 

There was a strange and intriguing quality about Kyle, who was a little less fit than usual, but enthralling with a rawness that Zach didn’t expect. Kyle reminded him a bit of Chris actually, in the way Kyle showed his pleasure, letting it consume his whole body, not just making fake pleasure sounds that a lot of porn stars did. Kyle’s chest and throat were scarlet near the end, concentration clear on his face. It was then that Zach realized why he was so intriguing: he was real. He was totally getting off on fucking Chris, and even Zach, immune to porn for the most part, felt a twinge of arousal. Yeah, he could see what Chris saw in him now. 

Zach closed the video file and headed back towards Chris’s small office at the far end of the hall. His door was open and he was bent over his laptop. 

“Hey,” Zach said and jammed his hands into his pockets. 

Chris tapped on the keyboard and flicked the lid closed. “You watch?” he asked, eyes bright.

“Yeah. It’s good. I think you’ll have to fix the lighting at the beginning, but it’s good.” Zach’s voice was all-business, but his eyes were trained on Chris, looking for something to explain his distance. 

“He’s young and eager and I think we can set up a couple of good shoots before he turns the pro corner. I am thinking we should contract him for three films. I mean, we can see how this one does, but I’ve got a good feeling about him.” Chris leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. Zach saw the flexing of his biceps against the fabric of his shirt. 

“You mind if I talk to him? I mean, I assume we’ll pay him an advance. I’d like to know who we’re investing in…” Zach moved forward and put his hands on the back of a chair sitting across from Chris. “Maybe lunch today? Is he close?”

“Lives in the Bronx. I am sure he’d come down. He was pretty happy when I suggested we might be interested in him for another film.”

“You didn’t make any promises, did you?” Zach said, brow wrinkling. Now that they were partners, they’d agreed to discuss all of their projects in advance. 

Chris chafed at his comment. “Of course not. I’m not an idiot.” 

Zach pursed his lips. “Sorry. Just checking. You get, well, eager sometimes.” Zach winked and smiled, trying to make a joke but not sure if Chris would respond.

The other man closed his eyes for a long second and slid a hand through his short hair. He sidestepped Zach’s comment. “No, it’s fine. Lunch will probably work. You want me there?” 

“No, I’d rather talk to him myself, if that’s cool with you.” Zach was feeling pretty perturbed now. Chris was talking about tens of thousands of dollars in investment and Zach wasn’t going to pretend otherwise. He didn’t get to this point in his career by not trusting his instincts.

“Sure. Cool. I’ll text him.” Zach watched Chris’s thumbs fly across the phone. A few seconds later it chimed. Chris smiled. “He’s in.” Chris texted him back and added, “He’ll be here at 12:30.” Chris dropped his phone back on the desk and moved to open his laptop again.

“Sounds good,” Zach said, feeling himself lingering when he should just go back to his office. “Listen, you have a minute. I need to talk to you about something…”

Chris’s eyes narrowed briefly, then he nodded. “Sure. What’s up?” He crossed his arms over his chest and Zach didn’t exactly feel like Chris was eager to talk. His whole attitude was bewildering.

Zach turned and closed the door, then sat across from Chris, trying to lean casually back in the chair. “I’m getting a really weird vibe from you since we got back from Europe. I’m not trying to be a sensitive priss about it, but what is going on? You’ve barely talked to me since Monday.”

Chris rubbed his face and took a deep breath. He let it out with a sigh. “I need some space.” He held Zach’s eyes for a long second and then dropped them.

“What do you mean? Like from me?” Zach sat forward, heart thumping in his chest. What was he talking about? 

“I— I need to think about some stuff.” Chris’s voice was low and hesitant.

“Like what? What happened? I thought our trip was great. You seemed so happy.” Zach’s tongue felt thick and acid burned in the back of his throat. 

“Look, I’m just freaking out. Just a couple of days…” With a pained expression, Chris pressed on his eyelids with the pads of his fingers. 

“Freaking out about what? Was it something I did? Is it the business?” Zach had a dozen more questions as he tried to figure out what in the world could have made Chris freak out. What had he done wrong?

“Zach. I don’t know.” His voice was exasperated and pained and Zach sat back with a thump in the chair. 

“I don’t know what to say. I am totally blindsided here.” Zach shook his head, unable to even look at Chris for more than a second, terrified to see that maybe he was ending it all right here and now.

Zach pressed his palms against his cheeks. “Are you breaking up with me?” He cast another worried glance at Chris, searching for any detail that would make this make sense.

“No. It’s… I— fuck. Just give me a couple of days. I’m exhausted and I haven’t been sleeping all that great. My head’s fucked up.” Chris looked down and picked at his fingernails.

With a sick feeling in his stomach, Zach stood on shaky legs. “Chris…,” he said, feeling agony choking him. “I meant what I said the other night…” 

Zach stared at the top of Chris’s head waiting for a response that clearly wasn't coming. After a moment, Zach turned, opened the door and left.

~*~

Zach was in no shape to interview new talent, but he was committed. He was a professional and he could fake it if he needed to. It couldn’t matter that the most important thing in his life might be going to shit. 

Kyle arrived just on time, coming towards Zach’s office with a smile and an outstretched hand. He was actually really striking in person, with gold-green hazel eyes and fine high cheekbones. His blond hair was too long for Zach’s tastes, but he had an interesting mix of Midwest and NYC and Zach had promised to keep an open mind. He trusted Chris’s judgment, and so he was going with it.

“Hi Kyle. Good to meet you. Thanks for being on time.” Zach pulled his door closed and motioned for Kyle to follow. “There’s an Italian place a couple of a blocks from here. Would that work for you?” 

“Sure. I’ll eat just about anything. Except raw fish. No way.” When Kyle laughed, it was natural and his expression was charmingly self-effacing. 

“Ah, sushi virgin. That’s too bad.” Zach chuckled as they took the back steps down to the first floor and out the door. He led them towards 21st and Eight Avenue. “So, Chris tells me you did a film for Zephyr? How was that for you?”

Kyle hesitated and shrugged his shoulders. “Uh, the shoot was good. I mean, I was really nervous, but the guy in the scene was cool. He was pretty patient with me.”

“Chris mentioned that you had some kind of problem. You mind telling me what happened?” Zach didn’t bother to wait until they were at the restaurant. He found that people talked pretty easily when they walked. 

“Well, I don’t want to say anything bad. They gave me my first break. My cut was pretty small, but…I don’t know. They were pushing me to do some stuff for the next scene that I wasn’t that comfortable with.” 

Zach felt Kyle’s eyes on him and glanced over as they waited for the WALK sign to light. “What was that?”

Kyle blushed and looked around, lowering his voice. “I’m not into women. I mean, not ever…” was all Kyle was willing to say and Zach watched him clamp his mouth closed.

“Ah. Okay. Yeah. They do a lot of mixed films. Why didn’t they just offer you something else?” Zach hadn’t heard the best things about that studio, but they made some pretty good work.

Kyle shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I just…they were pressuring me. I told myself that if I did this porn thing, I was going to trust my gut on stuff. That didn’t feel right to me.” 

Zach eyes Kyle with a renewed interest. Most guys got so turned on by the ‘porn star’ excitement that they did whatever they were asked. It was pretty interesting to meet a guy with standards. “Sounds like a good call.” 

They arrived at the restaurant and walked inside where the hostess led them to a table in the back near the bar. “You want a drink?” Zach asked. 

“Sure,” Kyle replied with an easy smile at the waiter who was setting glasses of water in front of them. “I’ll have whatever you have on tap.”

Zach ordered a glass of red wine and eased back in his chair. “So, what did you think of the scene yesterday with Chris?”

That lit up the young man’s face. “Chris is awesome,” he beamed. “Super patient and really hot. I get why he’s so popular.” Kyle laughed a little nervously and took a drink of water. He didn’t meet Zach’s eyes and Zach raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Chris is the best,” Zach said, staying neutral and very consciously pushing away the ache that was starting to squeeze his heart. “He was pretty impressed with you.” Zach took the wine as the waiter set it down, drinking more in his first gulp than was probably wise.

Kyle blushed and raised his beer to drink. “I, uh, it was really fun. I mean, I expected to be terrible because…well, it’s Chris Pine, and I was super intimidated. He’s really famous — I was kinda freaking out. Couldn’t figure out why he wanted to me to do a scene with him.”

“He has good instincts,” Zach said without a smile and appraised Kyle. There was a sincerity about him for sure, and an honesty that would keep him sane when he needed it. There was something else, though, too, but Zach couldn’t put his finger on it.

Taking an unexpected deep breath, Kyle looked right at Zach. “Listen, I, uh, heard that you and Chris, you’re like together? Like not just on film, but in real life. I’m cool with that, but is this okay…? I don’t know. I mean, I’m here talking about screwing your boyfriend.” Kyle’s face was almost comically nervous and Zach watched as he took a long drink of beer, spilling some down his chin in the process. “Sorry,” he said, unnecessarily, and wiped his mouth.

Zach wanted to say something wicked, just to fuck with the kid, but he didn’t. “It’s cool, Kyle. Don’t worry about it. If jealousy was a problem, we wouldn’t be having this meeting.” Zach shrugged, and drank more wine. No sense fucking with someone else just because he was miserable.

“Oh, okay. I wasn’t sure how it worked.” Kyle didn’t seem convinced and Zach suddenly remembered the sadistic reputation he’d taken so many years to perfect.

“You’re fine, Kyle. Don’t believe what you hear. I have a persona I adopt when I’m doing a scene, but it doesn’t mean I go around with a whip, ready to torture every twink I meet.” Zach gave a wry smile and Kyle laughed.

“Okay. Sorry. I’m kind of stupid sometimes. This is just so new.” Kyle drank more beer and took a piece bread the waiter left in a basket on their table. “You mind?” he asked, motioning about the bread.

“No, it’s fine. Where’d you grow up anyway? If you don’t mind me asking.” This kid did not have New York City manners.

“Missouri, came here about a year ago to try to get into acting.” 

“It’s hard to break in,” Zach offered, swirling wine around in his glass, and gesturing to the waiter for more. 

“This is better, though. At least I think it’s better.” Kyle shrugged. “How’d you start, you know, if you want to tell me.”

They watched as the waiter brought their orders and then began to eat. Zach wasn’t really in the mood to tell his story. 

“You know what, I’ll fill you in on that another time. Let’s talk instead about what you’re hoping to do. What kind of films you want to make? Career aspirations? All that jazz.”

Kyle started talking about his dreams and Zach listened, feeling sad and excited at the same time. If things went well with Kyle, he’d be the first talent that he and Chris signed together. If he and Chris were even together by then. 

Shit. _If he and Chris were even together then…_ It was nothing he could even imagine. He set down his fork and swallowed the last bite with the rest of his wine. The waiter appeared with the bottle and refilled his glass.

Pausing, Kyle gave him a concerned expression. “You okay? You look kind of sick.” 

“Uh, yeah. I’m okay. Go ahead…you were saying.” Zach took some deep, slow breaths through his nose and tried to focus on what Kyle was saying. Zach drank more wine, listened with half an ear, and tried not to think about how his life was fucked.

~*~

Zach and Kyle parted ways outside the restaurant and Zach told him Chris would be in touch. Zach liked the guy and thought he’d be a good fit for them. He was honest, sweet, and sexy, and he’d hate to see that ruined by the asswipes at Zephyr. 

Walking back the three blocks to the studio, Zach tried to think of what he was going to say to Chris, how he was going to get through this “space” thing he needed. What did that mean anyway? Needing space. How long did that take? 

Zach was feeling the effects of the wine and took the stairs slowly, emerging at the end of the hallway. He paused when his phone buzzed and he saw another email from Berlin and scanned it. It looked promising, but frankly, his eyes weren’t focusing too well at the moment, so he slid the phone back into his pocket and went down the hall toward his office. When he passed Chris’s door, he slowed, glancing in to see him facing away from the door with his phone up to his ear. 

“No, I haven’t told him yet,” Chris said, and Zach froze. He respected Chris more than to eavesdrop, but he had to know. It wasn’t fair what Chris was doing to him anyway.

“Yeah, I will. Don’t worry about it.” Chris laughed and shifted positions, turning around to face the door and Zach stepped back quickly. He really should leave, because this wasn’t right, but then Chris continued and Zach couldn’t make himself move away.

“I’ll talk to you after I do. I promise.” Chris’s voice softened and Zach’s stomach turned sour. Oh my god, was he having an affair? What the fuck?

“Okay, bye,” Chris said and Zach heard the chair squeak and roll. He felt panic setting in.

With boldness bordering on stupid, Zach walked into the doorway and surprised Chris, whose head popped up. “Are you cheating on me?”

“What? What are you talking about?” Chris’s eyes went wide.

“Who was that? What the fuck is going on?” The wine had obviously made him crazy because this was the exact opposite of space.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right? You’re spying on me?” Chris stood, face angry.

“I heard you when I walked by. You can’t just tell me you need space and not tell me why. Not tell me what I did…”

“That doesn’t give you the right to listen to my private conversations, Zach. What is your fucking problem?”

“Just tell me what’s going on?!” Zach was in full high-pitched whine voice now, fueled by hurt and fear and definitely too much wine. 

“Jesus, Zach. You’re like a fucking five year old. This is ridiculous.” Chris grabbed his bag and shoved his laptop inside. “I asked for space. It’s a simple fucking thing. No drama. Just some time.” He glared at Zach and shoved his arms into his flannel shirt. “I am sorry you’re upset, but don’t come in here invading my privacy. It’s not cool, man. Not cool.” Zach watched helplessly from the doorway, knowing he was absolutely right and he never should have drunk so much wine. It made him stupid.

“Chris, I’m sorry. I had wine with lunch. That kid, Kyle. He’s good. I liked him.” Zach spoke but Chris ignored him. “We should definitely hire him.”

“I’m going home, okay? I really do need to get my shit together and this is _not_ helping.” Chris slung his bag over his shoulder and strode towards Zach. 

“What does that mean? What do you want me to do?” Zach tried to grab Chris’s arm as he passed, but he shook him off. 

“Nothing, Zach. Just leave me alone.” Chris’s voice was low and angry and Zach watched, horrified, as Chris disappeared down the hall and into the stairwell. 

“Chris!” he shouted uselessly. A second later, his stomach roiled and he ran to the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet, and threw up his wine and lunch until there was nothing left but acid, and then slumped onto the floor. 

With all of the skill he apparently possessed, he’d taken a bad situation and had made it worse. Much fucking worse.

**Friday**

Zach dreamed about Chris that night. Not a desperate scary dream like he might have predicted, but one where things were good, idyllic, in fact, and maybe that’s why Zach had woken up in a cold sweat, struck by the realization that none of it was true. His unconscious mind could not deal with the bullshit fantasy his brain had concocted.

“Fuck,” he muttered, and looked at his phone. 2:21 a.m. His message indicator was dark, of course, because why wouldn’t it be? He’d fucked up. Chris was a nut about privacy and Zach had violated it. And he’s not sure why he even did it. It had been stupid and now what was already difficult had become unbearable. 

It was the silence, really, that had done him in. The “space” bullshit which was tantamount to ending things or letting him down easy. Why didn’t he just do that? Why drag it out? Who goes away for two blissful weeks and then dump someone?

Oh, fuck. What if he was faking? What if it wasn’t great like Zach thought? What if he misread everything and then made a fool of himself. Why was he so fucking idiotic when it came to Chris?

Zach flipped over onto his other side, grumbling and stabbing his hands at the pillow. His mind hated him at 2:21 in the morning. It was filled with dark thoughts and anxieties that spun around in his head. That was why he’d gotten into porn in the first place, to find something intense and bold that would knock him on his ass every night. Or at least that was one reason, or maybe a welcome side effect once he’d started. Fucking hell he didn’t know. Nothing made sense right now and he should just stop thinking. Breathe or something. Count sheep. 

Fuck.

~*~

Morning was no better, but Zach dragged his ass out of bed and forced himself into the shower. He was meeting with a new set designer today and had promised to go over the finances with his bookkeeper. His head was totally not in the game, but he knew staying home would be worse. He’d be morose. Gross. Morose. Shit, he’d just be miserable. 

He walked up to the studio, his jacket zipped all the way up and a scarf around his neck. The wind off the Hudson was cold this morning and it felt just so fucking appropriate when it started to rain. It was only a block to the studio, so he ran, sidestepping a bunch of lost tourists and nearly wiping out on the corner of Tenth Ave. He jammed his keys into the lock and ran up the steps, peeling off his jacket and scarf and tossing them into the dryer. 

“Hey, Zach,” Mike said, passing him in the hallway. 

“Mike. How are you?” Zach gave him vague smile and used one of the towels to dry his hair. “How’s the Kyle scene coming along?” 

“Good. That kid’s got something special, don’t you think?” Mike tugged on his pants, yanking them up because they were forever falling down. 

“Yeah. Seems like the real deal. We’re thinking of signing him. Who do you like with him?” Zach asked Mike his thoughts because he had good instincts and had been in the business for twenty years.

“I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.” Mike said and leaned against the wall. “You gonna do a scene with him?” 

“I doubt it. He’s cute, but I don’t think he’d take well to being whipped. A little too clean cut for our crowd.” 

“That might work, though. Maybe do him without the equipment, just some verbal commands…some spanking? Could be hot to break in the newbie.” Mike shrugged, face placid as usual. 

“Hmm. I’ll think about it. You know, it has been a while since I’ve done any light d/s. That might be fun. I’ll talk it over with Chris. Kyle is his guy, so maybe he has plans for him.” Zach wasn’t sure he’d talk to Chris about anything today, but he had to keep up a united front for the staff. With a small smile, he headed back to the laundry room to throw his towel into the bin. 

~*~

Throughout the day, Zach struggled to stay focused, checking his phone over and over again until he shoved it into a drawer and forced himself to ignore it. He met with the set designer to go over some new ideas for upgrading his beloved dungeon room. His studio was one of the few that didn’t shoot BDSM in what amounted to a fucking basement and Zach was proud of it. It wasn’t necessary to hide bondage in a dark, medieval space when you could break a sub just as easily with beautiful lighting, silk bedding, and a rack made of teak. 

The meeting put Zach a better mood and he sketched out a few scenes he’d been thinking about for Marco and his other regular sub, Blaine. It kept his mind off Chris for the most part, but Zach strained to hear every sound in the studio, listening for Chris’s thumping up the stairs and into his office. It never came, and after picking at his lunch, Zach sent Chris another text and started to hate himself a little.

As afternoon rolled into evening, Zach felt a sense of futility settling onto his shoulders. He took the crowded subway back down to the West Village and used the press of bodies as a distraction, or a punishment, he did not know. 

It was in these times that he thought he might get why people subbed, to let it all go and give over to someone who had the power. He’d thought about trying it at home with Chris, but it wasn’t something he’d ever said. Chris didn’t care much about d/s play, even though he’d done it with Zach that very first time. It hadn’t been Zach’s usual scene; there was no rack or clamps, just Zach dominating Chris and those amazing fucking eyes looking up at him with tears when he broke. 

Zach would remember that scene forever, the energy between them that was clearly _not_ usual for the job. They’d gone out immediately after, talking until late into the night and fucking again in Zach’s apartment. It had been shocking, their connection, how much the sex went from fun and hot to significant and real in a matter of weeks. And now he loved him. 

So why was he sitting alone in his apartment wondering how it had all gone wrong?

**Saturday**

After a fitful night of sleep, Zach really couldn’t take it any longer. He knew Chris was pissed, but he’d apologized too many times and didn’t deserve to be shut out. With a quick shower, Zach headed out the door and caught the next PATH train to Hoboken. 

The twenty minute wait had cooled his temper, but with no text messages or calls, he vowed that it was going to end or get better _today_. As the train rolled out of the station, Zach hunched down into the fake leather seat and watched the tunnel lights flicker by. The train interior was a dull brown with a much less interesting clientele than he was used to on the west side of Manhattan. Business people and families commuting back and forth from New Jersey. He’d never really understand why Chris insisted on living in Jersey, but he suspected it had something to do with his garden. The little 10x10 plot of land that Chris tended like a grandbaby. He was forever bringing vegetables in to the studio and Zach teased him relentlessly about the tiny carrots and radishes that he was so proud of. Chris just laughed and cut them up for snacks and salad. 

With an anxious feeling in his chest, Zach caught a cab outside the train station and took the ten minute ride in silence. The row houses in Hoboken had their own flavor and Zach had to admit that Chris’s was pretty nice. Chris had lucked into it couple of years back when a friend of his had gotten into financial trouble and had fallen immediately in love. It was the one sticking point that Zach had thought might drive a wedge between them. Chris had made it very clear when they started their relationship that he had no intention of moving and that Zach should put it out of his mind forever. So he had. They’d gotten used to living apart, and Chris didn’t mind staying over at his apartment, just as long as they spent some weekends in Hoboken. And to be honest, Zach didn’t mind. He just wanted to be with Chris.

The cab pulled up to Chris’s house and Zach hopped out and climbed the steps, heart beating fast. He had no idea how Chris was going to react or if he was even home, but Zach intended to wait. He had a full charge on his phone and nothing more important to do. He was going to fix this thing between them, even if it meant the end of it. He never was much for waiting.

He rang the bell a couple of times and frowned. He tried knocking, too, but he was pretty sure Chris was out. Whatever. He sat on the top step and pulled out his phone to play Candy Crush. 

About an hour later, Chris startled the hell out of him. “What are you doing here, Zach?” He stood at the bottom of the steps, hair blowing in the wind that had begun to whip down his street. Zach hadn’t even noticed the darker clouds rolling in overhead. “I asked for some space.”

Zach slid his phone into his pocket. “I couldn’t wait any more. I’ve texted you a million times. What happened?” Zach couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice, his eyes from raking Chris’s face looking for any fucking reason why Chris would shut him out.

Chris clamped his mouth closed and unlocked the door. He left it open for Zach to follow, so he did, walking tentatively and wondering if this was going to be the end of it. 

Chris’s house smelled like old wood and lemon cleaner and he had stacks of New York Times in the corner by the door. Chris hung up his coat and scarf and walked away, leaving Zach standing in the entryway. He’d been here a zillion times, but this time he didn’t feel exactly welcome.

“You coming or what?” He yelled over his shoulder. Zach wiped his feet and walked into the kitchen, eyes scanning over the perfectly clean counters and newly refinished cabinet doors. Chris had spent a small fortune upgrading the old kitchen and it had been worth it.

“You want coffee?” Chris asked, pulling two cups from the cupboard without waiting for an answer.

“Sure. Thanks.” Zach watched Chris as he moved, following the roll of his shoulders and the set of his jaw. Chris didn’t seem pissed, but that didn’t tell Zach much.

“How are you?” He ventured, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the center island.

Chris ignored the question and filled the Keurig. Zach felt the tightening in his gut again, real fear beginning to settle inside him. For five months, they’d worked everything out. They’d flowed smoothly into a routine, still working on scenes with nothing more than logistical hangups and arguments about which music to add to a video in post-production. They almost never clashed and so this jangled every warning bell Zach had and he felt completely out of sync with his world.

Chris prepared his coffee silently, adding just a touch of milk like Zach took it and sliding it across the island. He leaned against the counter by the stove and sipped his coffee. “So what do you want?”

The drink was warm in his hands and Zach cleared his throat. “I want to know why you need space. What that means? For five months we’ve been fine and I thought we had a great trip…but now you’re upset and I don’t know why.” Zach stared at the side of Chris’s face and willed him to look at him. He didn’t.

It took a moment and then Chris’s eyes sort of unfocused, and he said, “The trip was great, Zach. It wasn’t the trip.” He glanced at Zach and then away, his face was pale under a few days of stubble.

“Then what?” Zach swallowed hard, bracing himself for Chris’s answer. 

“After. Coming back home. I didn’t want to.”

“Yeah… Me, neither. I loved it. Loved being with you…” Zach tried to pour adoration into his voice, hoping that might sway him.

Chris cleared his throat noisily. “I’ve had some stuff building for a while, but I didn’t realize it until we got back,” Chris frowned and stared at his coffee.

“What was building? Stuff with us?” Zach didn’t remember anything being off at all. Yeah, they’d been busy, but it had always been that way.

“No, with me.” Chris’s voice was soft and pained.

“What about you? What stuff?” Zach was almost afraid to ask. 

“I’m quitting,” Chris finally said, bright blue eyes swinging to Zach and holding.

“Quitting what?” 

“The business. I don’t want to do it anymore.” Chris shifted against the counter, turning slightly towards Zach and putting both hands deep into his pants pockets. 

Zach let his cup thunk onto the island. “What do you mean? You were just talking about signing Kyle. I don’t understand.”

“I’m done, Zach.” Chris thumped the back of his booted heel against the tiled floor.

“Just like that? Without talking to me?” Zach felt his mouth hanging open.

“I am talking to you.” Chris gave him a dry look.

“But you already decided.” The finality of what Chris had said shocked him. How could he make such a huge decision without him?

Chris scrunched up his shoulders and let them fall back down.

“But what about our contracts? You have a shoot with Dylan next month. What about the Berlin tour? And what about Kyle? Why the fuck did you have me meet him if you were quitting?” Zach waved his hands in the air.

Chris’s expression didn’t change. “You need someone new. He’s it. I knew it when I saw his first video. He could replace me. Make money for the studio.”

“Replace you? I don’t want to replace you.” Zach’s brain had done a full stop. None of this fucking made any sense and Zach walked forward to stand straddling Chris’s legs and took a deep breath. “Chris, what is going on? Why are you saying all this?” 

“You know, I knew you’d fight me on this.” Chris pushed off and stepped away from Zach to go into the living room. There was a light sheen of rain on the windows as he peered outside.

Zach followed. “I’m not. I— it’s just sudden.” But really, Zach thought, he did feel like fighting him. He took a long breath and sat on the arm of the leather sofa. He picked at the seam of his jeans. “What happened?”

“Nothing ‘happened’, Zach. I just don’t want to do it anymore. It’s been four years and it’s getting old.”

“But you seemed so psyched for the Berlin idea. Why didn’t you say something? I made all these calls…thought we were doing it.” Zach kept his voice calm, but inside his heart was deflating. 

Chris shrugged and turned around. “It’s still a good idea, I just…I don’t want to do it.”

“With me?” Zach pushed the words past a knot in his throat. It felt like this was it. The end.

“With anyone.” 

"Why not?"

"I don’t want to fuck strangers anymore, Zach." Chris shook his head faintly. "I mean, I know it's just sex, right? And it’s never bothered me. Until it did, you know?" Chris looked at Zach like he was supposed to understand, but he didn't.

Chris continued, "I got into it because it was fun and I didn't care about fucking for the camera. I got off on it. Like you do..."

Zach nodded; it was true. That's how he had been able to do porn for almost a decade.

"But it's harder now. I can't do the shoot with Dylan next month. I won't." He crossed his arms and Zach felt suddenly, unexpectedly protective.

"So don't. Whatever. We'll pay the damages for breaking the contract with Dylan. I don't care about that. If you're not happy, then screw it. Screw all of it." Zach was surprised by his own words. The studio had been everything to him for the past three years. Chris seemed shocked.

"What do you mean 'screw it'? It could be ten or fifteen thousand dollars... And our reputation…it’s not a small thing." Chris licked his lips and frowned at Zach.

Zach kept his stare level, needing him to understand what had just become so obviously clear. "I don't care about the money. I care about you. If this isn't what you want to do, then fuck it. I'll pay it myself."

"No. I'll do it. It's my fuck up." Chris set his jaw and Zach nodded, raising his hands the air.

"All right. You pay it -- whatever. Take it out of your royalties or salary or whatever. We'll figure it out later... " Zach looked at him and bit the inside of his cheek. "But what about us? You don't want to do that anymore either?" 

Chris looked at him, his eyes a dark cerulean. "Zach, that’s the thing. That’s all I want to do."

That was not the answer Zach was expecting and he blinked hard, his mouth opening and closing with a snap, "I don't understand..." Zach's brain was playing catch up.

Chris looked uncomfortable and blew out a breath. "Usually about now I'd suck your dick so I wouldn't have talk about this, but I'm not going to do that." Chris ruffled his hair hard, like was bracing for something.

"Berlin was everything, man. I mean I know it was vacation and all that, but I've never been that happy, that really happy, I think, ever in my whole life. And I've been happy, I mean with you, and these other feelings have been building. Like not wanting to be with other guys, not even for the job." Chris laughed harshly. "I'm a fucking porn star. I give that up then what am I? I don't even know. That's why I needed the space. I didn't want to do the wrong thing and fuck it up. When you're around, all I want is you and I can't think clearly. I -- fuck." Like he couldn't help himself, he took two long strides across the living room and grabbed Zach's head, kissing him hard.

Zach was stunned at first, then sagged against Chris because the relief was so great. He held onto Chris with equal fervor, feeling like he'd survived a near miss and not quite able to understand what had just happened.

Zach squeezed Chris's upper arms and pushed him back, breaking them apart because he needed Chris to keep talking. So many questions burst into his head at once. 

"What about me, Chris? The studio? You want me to stop, too? Stop doing scenes?" Zach was trying to keep his face open, but he was terrified that Chris was going ask him to. That was always the reason these relationships never worked out. He just never thought it would be them.

"No. No. Definitely not." Chris pulled him down to sit the sofa. "I mean, I was worried that was it, maybe I was jealous or something... So I watched your scene with Marco. That's why my scene with Kyle took so long. The whole thing was on my mind and I needed to know. But it was beautiful. You're so fucking good, Zach. It'd be like me being jealous of the orchestra because they get to be accompany you. I think I fell in love with you even more..." Chris seemed to swallow the words, but then glanced up at him, almost shy. Chris had never told him before and Zach couldn’t breathe for a long moment as he stared into those blue eyes. 

Zach squeezed Chris’s fingers. "I love you, too. You know, right?" 

Chris let out a deep, relieved sigh that sounded like a laugh. "I know you do. That sealed the deal for me, Zach. I’ve been in love with you for fucking ever. Like ridiculously in love, but I — fuck. Can we just fuck now? Please.” Chris said, more than a little emotion clouding his blue eyes. He palmed the bulge in Zach's pants and leaned forward, lips almost touching Zach’s. "Cause I hate fucking talking."

Zach laughed and kissed Chris, pulling him down on top of him and wrapping his legs around Chris’s hips. They ground themselves together, kissing deeply and repeating their feelings with a giddiness that made Zach’s chest hurt and eyes sting. 

Yeah, they could definitely fuck.


End file.
